Last week, Ada had her re-scheduled Christmas program at her preschool. The sight of her, so proud and happy, the only child waving to her parents, seeing how seriously she performed her hand gestures and sang as loudly as she could, just about did me in.
I fought back tears and looked around the church to see if anyone else was struggling. Nope. Everyone else seemed to just be enjoying watching their child sing while I was fighting to keep myself from bursting into sobs.
I feel like I am such a blubberball mother.
The smallest things turn me into a big mushball. I get choked up over scribbled pictures, cry in the middle of the night when I think about my baby having to navigate a lunchroom, try my hardest to capture these memories of my children, small and young and still needing me.
The other day, Ben mentioned something about how Mya had sounded when she cried as an infant.
“Remember her cry?” he asked. “It was like an ear-piercing screech!” he proclaimed, shaking his head a little at the memory.
I stared at him, panic and embarrassment written over my face.
Because I couldn’t remember.
There are so many things I already can’t remember about my children as babies. I can remember looking into their faces as babies, thinking that there was no way I could ever forget the sight of to their smiling faces every morning, the weight of their cool, smooth cheek on mine, the sound of their baby gurgles.
But I have.
It’s hard for me to recall exactly what each one looked like, smelled like, sounded like at each moment of their babyhood. In a way, it all seems like a blur.
And while that fact at once threatens to undo me, it also prompts me to try to focus on the memories that lie ahead.
I try to remember that I really have tried to live in the present with my children. That although I haven’t captured every memory in photos or a scrapbook or even on this blog, that I have lived them.
That every moment certainly hasn’t been wonderful and that I have done my best of this whirlwind time of small children.
I don’t want to always be on the verge of tears as I watch my children’s milestones, dreading the future and each cut of the apron string.
I want to learn to look forward to who they will become and appreciate that they are still with me and be excited to have the opportunity to watch them grow.
But I won’t lie to you.
It’s hard.
Especially for us blubberball moms.
Tiny Blue Lines
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It’s hard, but it’s beautiful. And you’re doing the best you can. {{{{Chaunie}}}}
I’m a blubberball mom. I lived every day of my children’s lives (except the almost 4 years I worked outside the home) and can’t believe how fast it went by. Where did the years go? I have a video of when they were small and I cannot watch it. When I watched it a few years ago and bawled my eyes out because they’re not little anymore. That period of our lives is gone. Now I find myself doing the same thing with the grandchildren. They grow and change right before your eyes. There are times when I wish I would have kept a journal of things that happened in their lives, or of the cute little things they said or did. I wrack my brain at times trying to remember certain events in their lives. Can’t remember dates and which kids did what and when. I didn’t take enough pictures either. I feel horrible I have nothing to give them in the future that links them to their past. Can’t change it now. I just encourage them to do it for their children.
Oh Michelle, that just breaks my heart! But you LIVED it and experienced it, and that has to be what’s important, doesn’t it??
That is, indeed, very important. I have my memories. They have theirs. And we’re making more everyday. We’ll always remember the love we share.
She looks fabulous and cute. It seems that she had so much fun with her friends.
She is totally growing up.
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I’m definitely a crying at the milestones type of mama too! I was just lamenting to my hubby last night about how we are getting rid of all our baby stuff, and soon we won’t have an infant in the house at all. I was SO sad, and he was over-the-moon excited!
couldn’t understand what I was getting all sentimental about.
sigh. glad I’m not the only one
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You’ve answered one of my burning questions as a new mom, “Does anyone else feel the way I do about my baby growing up?” He’s only 5 months old, but it’s happening so quickly, just like the pregnancy went so quickly. Life is rushing by and I worry I won’t be able to savor the moments enough to enjoy in the future when he is a grown man and I’m missing my baby!
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