I know that I’ve talked a lot about my pregnancy with Ada on here. I’ve talked about how I’ve wondered if I messed up, if her life is somehow forever altered because of my “mistake,” if our marriage has been damaged from the get go.
But I haven’t really every discussed something that was one of the most difficult parts of dealing with my unplanned pregnancy–
The God factor.
The truth is, I’m a religious kind of girl. The kind that grew up with nine years of Catholic school, the kind that said her prayers out of a little booklet during my early college years, the kind that has really sought a relationship with God.
It may sound old-fashioned now, but Ben and I really did want to wait until we were married to have sex. It felt like we fought against it–and then failed.
Which is how I came to view my whole start into motherhood.
As a failure.
I had messed up. In my eyes, with my own spiritual beliefs and background, I had sinned. I had done something I wasn’t supposed to do, and now, I was pregnant as a result. How on earth could I possibly be excited about it? How could I even begin to think that my baby was anything but a consequence of my bad behavior?
I felt trapped in a little cloud of guilty darkness for the first half of my pregnancy. I couldn’t see a way out. I couldn’t see how my baby, conceived out of a “bad” thing, could possibly be a “good” thing. Surely she would be emotionally messed up, marked by my sin, scarred by a marriage that started badly. Surely I would never love her the way a “real” mother would–the kind that planned for a baby, and surprised her husband sweetly with the positive pregnancy test and shopped excitedly for nursery decorations.
I could never be her.
I haven’t really talked about my religion, or my faith on my blog that much, frankly, because I’ve been nervous. I didn’t want to turn away any “cool” young moms, or alienate any potential writing contacts with my spiritual ramblings.
But I want to be real about how important it was to me, in becoming a mother, in becoming a wife, to come to peace with my pregnancy.
For me, it took months of prayer. Not any prayer that I had grown up with, not any specific litany or phrase of words. My prayers were just silent pleadings to the universe for help. I didn’t know what I was asking for, or what I hoped would happen. I just knew I needed help.
And one night, it finally happened.
After a long day of classes, and work, and disappointments, and wedding stress, I sat curled up on our raspberry-cream colored hand-me-down couch. And for the first time in my life, I felt I very clearly was given an answer:
My baby was not a punishment.
The moment I felt those words reverberate within me, I felt so relieved. I felt peace. I realized that on some level deep down, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was hiding in the shadows, cringing in shame, just waiting for God to strike me down with spite.
And suddenly, I realized I had it completely wrong.
God didn’t punish me with a baby. Sure, maybe I hadn’t done everything perfectly, but for cryin’ out loud, I was still loved, and He wasn’t about to give up on me so easily. I felt, with a sudden realization of happiness, that God had sent us our baby as an opportunity to learn the truth about love.
Because, after all, what else provides a faster lesson in true and selfless love than a baby?
[Forehead smack.]
It took a long time for me to come to terms with my pregnancy. For me, prayer and a faith in God were key. I know everyone is different, but I felt like it was important to talk about–I know I can’t be alone in the conflicting feelings of guilt and shame, the need to feel like it’s ok to be happy about a “surprise” baby.
So, I’m wondering–did anyone of you encounter what I’m talking about? Did your particular religious beliefs make it hard to accept your pregnancy? Or did it help you come to term with your new life?
Tiny Blue Lines
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I had miscarried an unplanned twin pregnancy immediately before getting pregnant with my oldest child. And it was devastating – it completely changed the way I looked at the universe. I had always had an untested belief in a benevolent God, a divine force that I was intimately connected with – and when I lost my babies, it… it’s still hard to find words to describe how devastating it was. Not just the loss of a pregnancy that I saw as a sign that God wanted me to be a mother, but also coming face to face with the undeniable reality that sometimes life just flat out sucked and there was nothing we could do about it. I really struggled with my daughter’s pregnancy, I was still so wrapped in grief and sadness and feeling so powerless and alone for the first time in my life.
I would say that my faith, and the loss of it, and the gradual rebuilding of it, had everything to do with my first and second pregnancy. I still feel as though I would not have survived that first pregnancy loss without immediately being able to get pregnant and carry the pregnancy to term.
Musings of a Writer Mom recently posted..It’s Working
I’m not a religous person, but when I got pregnant (senior year of high school) I definitely felt like my pregnancy some how made me a failure. I was a cheerleader, yearbook editor, student council member, straight A student… Somehow that pregnancy irrationally cancelled all of those good things out. You’re lucky you were able to figure out that an unplanned pregnancy didn’t mean you were a failure before your baby was born. It took me several years to accept that I wasn’t a failure, that I didn’t need to ‘prove everyone wrong,’ etc. etc. etc. It sounds like your faith helped you get there a little sooner.
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I don’t understand this. I don’t understand how anyone with religion can think that their pregnancy is a bed thing because they were with someone they loved. And the fact that it took you MONTHS to realize that your child was not a punishment just floors me.
You most likely are not alone because a lot of Believers feel the same way when they get pregnant. And it completely blows my mind.
Glad you finally realized that your child is not a punishment or a mistake. Congratulations.
My perspective is different, but definitely affected by my faith. Married, with a 3 year old girl and soon to be newborn girl (any day now!), both planned and prayed for. I’ve never thought of children with the “Look what WE made!” perspective that I hear from so many others, but rather as these amazing little people that God made and entrusted us with. They’re His people, not mine, not anyone else’s. I didn’t make them, He did. And I’ve had some serious health problems, so having children was never a guarantee for us (especially #2, I’ve had a few surgeries since having #1). I wasn’t sure at first if I trusted my body to care for and nourish babies, but it was much easier to realize that I could trust God, if not my body, and He would help me to care for them. (as it turns out, I end up being really healthy while pregnant and breastfeeding!) I try to not take the gift and the trust for granted. I’m glad that you were entrusted with some little people as well, and have gotten ever more in touch with your faith as a result.
Being a religious person helped me to stay calm and positive during my pregnancies and labor/delivery. I have three children and all three pregnancies were hard on me. I gained a lot of water weight with each one and my blood pressure was high. I really didn’t enjoy being pregnant at all. My 1st child’s delivery lasted over 2.5 hours almost leading to an emergency c-section. My 2nd child’s delivery went smoothly, other than almost not making it to the hospital in time. It was a short labor. Then I miscarried between my second and third child. I was heart broken. However, my faith helped me thru this difficult time. During my 3rd child’s delivery, we almost lost him. We lost his heart beat several times. Finally, the doctors rushed in and asked for me start delivering. I knew something was not right, but I trusted God and my doctor and nurses. Although, he was colicky I am grateful he is here. Through my pregnancies, labor/delivery and miscarriage, I am not sure I could have endured without Him.
I can relate to you. I had the same feelings with my first child at the beginning of the pregnancy. I quit going to church because I was so ashamed. It took a while before I was comfortable and learned to embrace it.
This Cookn Mom recently posted..Joy: 8 months
Love this. Really love this. Although I didn’t get pregnant before I was married, I would have felt the same way. Heck, I even felt weird and a little uncomfortable when we did get pregnant AFTER we were married because I knew people would know we’d had sex, like married people do, duh! Anyway, I can totally understand this, and I know of so many young, unmarried moms with babies, and it seems they feel much like this. A child, no matter how he or she is conceived, is a blessing from God. God creates those children in the womb, not as punishment, but rather as a blessing. Wonderful post!
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Thanks Britt.
Hi Chaunie, I really enjoyed reading this post…I had never thought about how an unplanned pregnancy impacted a young mom spiritually…thanks for opening my eyes to this. While my marriage didn’t start with a pregnancy, my husband and I traveled a pretty rocky road while we were dating…we made a LOT of mistakes and both had a LOT of growing up to do. It’s a long story, but God’s grace is a HUGE part of it and I’m so very thankful!
Lisa Littlewood recently posted..Whatever Wednesdays– A New Link Up!
I know just how you feel! I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), and we have very strict guidelines on not having any kind of sexual contact before marriage. They even caution against making out. I got pregnant at 17, maybe a week after my very first kiss (obviously I was a bit naive). My sons father didn’t have the same values as me and I was so flattered by his attention to me that I barely even realized what was happening until it was too late. I felt so numb after we had sex that I literally drove several miles and didn’t remember how I’d gotten where I was. Then of course, a few days later the realization hit me that I could be pregnant. And I was. I knew it before I ever missed my period.
I later told my sister that I believe God had planned this. I don’t mean he planned for me to commit a sin, but he KNEW that I would do it in my immature naivety and he had a plan for what would come after. It definitely wasn’t MY plan, but since when was my plan better than his anyways?
As my pregnancy progressed and I became more sure that I was not giving this baby up for adoption (remember I was just a teenager so this was a big decision) more and more blessings kept falling into place. People gave me literally everything that I needed. I had clothes to last until he was 1, enough money to last until my son’s father started paying me child support, enough diapers to last for 3 or 4 months, a crib, a car seat, etc. You name it, it was given to me. I was absolutely amazed!
I was also amazed at how many people came out of the wood works to tell me they were pregnant as teens or they had been pregnant when they got married, etc. It’s not rare. Sometimes you don’t even realize that people went through that. And that’s when I realized that while it was hard then because my mistake was so visible, in the future it wouldn’t even be relevant.
I still look like a teenager at 22, and sometimes people ask me if my almost 4 year old is my brother, but as for people in church, now that I’m married and don’t live with my parents nobody really even cares and many don’t know what happened. I’ve made my repentance and restitution. I’ve tried to be the best mother and wife I can be. I’m young and still have a lot to learn but I can say that I really have learned a lot from this experience.
It’s kind of like we’re being pruned. We may be upset that there are so many steps backward (like God cutting back our beautiful branches) but in the grand scheme of things we are being made into something much greater.
I realize this is an older post, but I HAD to comment because this is my story, too. Almost every single detail… I was 21 years old, a lifelong Christian, newly engaged, heading into the summer before my senior year of college, and was emotionally destroyed when I found out I was pregnant. My mother shamed me, and my father cried when we told them. It was awful. We planned a wedding, got married, and it wasn’t until about a month or so before my son was due that I finally found joy in the whole thing. I was about to have a BABY – about to become a MOTHER! A role I always knew I wanted, and with the husband of my dreams. And it was the people of the church who showered me with extra love (and baby shower gifts!) and celebrated my little boy with me. It has taken years to come to terms with how it all went down, and how it affected my self-worth, which affected (and still occasionally affects) my marriage. But today, as the wife of a youth minister and the mother of two spectacularly crazy boys, I can say with so much certainty: it was all meant to be. My son was meant to enter this world the way he did, when he did, and God has an incredible plan for his life – I can already see it unfolding at just 6 years old! And God has used this story to minister to many teenage girls already – and will continue to over the next several years! How could I ever regret this wonderful life?
Lisa, thank you so much for sharing this. Just made me cry and I love hearing stories that are so similar to mine–it always feels like an affirmation that talking about these issues IS important. Thank you thank you!!