While browsing through Facebook the other night, I came across a posting from a woman who said she was “hiding” a purchase that she had made from her husband.
Nobody tell my husband, she wrote. I have to butter him up first!
I know it was meant to be a semi-joke, but her posting got me thinking about finances and money in a marriage. I know of a lot wives who have no clue how much money their husband makes or how much money they even have in their bank accounts. Some of them don’t know how to access the bank accounts or take out money on their own.
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At first glance, I worried about the implications of a husband managing all the money–I wondered if his wife would feel a slight disillusion of a power balance–would she feel like the money earned was not “hers?” Is it an unhealthy dynamic for a husband to manage all the money and the wife to feel like she has to “hide” things from her husband?
But then I wondered if perhaps, it’s just the norm for one spouse to kind of take on the responsibility of finances. In our marriage, that person is me. I don’t remember ever having the discussion about who would be the one to manage our money, but I distinctly remember standing in the bank with Ben shortly after we were married and transferring all his accounts to mine.
I handle all our accounts–the credit cards, the bank accounts, savings, savings for the kids’, retirement, school loans, phone bills, electricity bills, gas bills, life insurance, mortgage–all of it.
If we have cash on hand, it’s because I’ve taken it out of the bank.
Although I’ve gone over how to access all of our accounts with Ben because I want to make sure he knows how to, in the event that I die or something, I am extremely doubtful if he would be able to mange all of our money.
In a way, it’s extremely stressful to be the one in charge of the money. Because I’m the one that checks the accounts, I’m the one who knows if we have enough to pay the bills that month. And if we don’t? Well, then, I’m the one that needs to come up with that money. So I can definitely see the appeal of being the one that gets to close a blind eye, so to speak.
But on the other hand, I couldn’t imagine not knowing what our financial situation was. It’s probably just my personality, but it would drive me nuts not knowing exactly what was going on.
Every marriage is different and every spouse has his/her own strengths, but this got me back to thinking of that ol’ premarital money class we were required to take. (Although ours was a bit rushed on account of me being, oh, yeah, pregnant.) I’ve heard of some couples that keep separate checking accounts, some that divvy up the bills in joint accounts and have “fun” money on the side.
But I will say the practical side of me wonders a bit for wives, especially those who don’t work, who don’t take an active participation in their finances. Does it create an unhealthy balance? What happens if, god forbid, their husbands get injured or pass away? Could they access their money?
I know they say money woes (along with small children, haha!) are the #1 causes for divorce, so this has obviously got to be an important discussion to have. Should both spouses be actively involved in the finances? Or do you think it’s normal for one spouse to be the money-manager in a marriage? And if it’s just one spouse, should it be the husband or the wife?
Tiny Blue Lines
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I’m the opposite – in our marriage, I’d be more in your husband’s role. I know where the money is, how to get it, but my husband is the one who keeps close track of it. Even though he’s the one working outside of the home, we’ve always been really clear that the money he earns is ours. He couldn’t earn it if he had to take care of our three children alone. If he had to pay for daycare, for example, or buy formula, or stay home on sick days or do any of the other things that I do that translate into saving money. He’s able to work as hard as he does and earn as much as he does because we’re a team and I’m an active and critical member of that team. There’s no inbalance of power – we make all financial decisions together, but I don’t have the foggiest idea when our cable bill is due, or how much is currently in our checking account.
For us, it’s a matter of playing to each other’s strengths, and also being aware of each other’s weaknesses. Marc is much better with numbers than I am, it comes very easily to him, whereas I’d have to work a little harder at it. Plus he’s better at not freaking out, I panic a lot faster about paying our bills when I’m intimately involved in paying them. I think every marriage is different, and for us, this works. I wouldn’t say it would work for everyone, or that it should.
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This is such an important topic… as it is a well known fact that FINANCES cab be such a stress in marriage! From day one, we decided that whatever money I earned would NOT go towards our living expenses. Anything I make from tutoring, copy editing, writing, etc. goes towards a mutual agreement (like paying off debt or family vacation!). We TALK money all the time. We’re both the oldest children in our families – we are both type A – both have dominating temperments!!! Haha… we both budget, move money, and have access to all accounts… because that’s what works! My hubs pays all the bills though! I gave that to him willingly! I think COMMUNICATION is key! Whatever works for your marriage – DO IT!
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Definitely. Unfortunately, my hubs’ salary is not enough to pay the bills alone and mine varies month-by-month, so it’s a constant recalibration. I think a regular income on my part would definitely ease some of the stress. Here that one, God?
We aren’t married yet, but the boy earns most of the money but I’m the bill payer. He’s slowly learning how to use the atm by himself! But it involves asking me to transfer money, reminding him of his pin #, and a quick rundown (again) of how to do it and where there won’t be a charge!
As for the bills, if he payed them, it would involve a check, stamps, & getting it to a damn mailbox. I’m just not good at that. I prefer to just hop online, click a few buttons, and move on! (And he worries that since he’s currently out of checks we can’t pay bills online! hello 1985!)
But I am also the one that figures out what & how to pay everything when there is not quite enough money to do it all. Yay, I get to use my creative side and make money just appear with my magic wand! (get one if you don’t have one, they are great!)
He can access money (by going to the bank & writing himself a check!) and can pay bills (through the mail), but prefers if I do it the easier way. I guess it’s fair that I do all this since he earns it all!
Where can I get one of these magic wands??
I just made my wand with tin foil & glitter. I sure as hell hope the electric company accepts my “magic wand payment!”
We sort of do it together. We make the budget together, and I’m the one that makes it work practically
I love budgeting (I’m weird like that) and it majorly stresses hubby out to do it all, so it naturally falls to me more. We both will “ask” each other before making any bigger purchases ($20 plus), just so we are on the same page, and spending money wisely.
we are saving as much as we can right now for a house, so we try not to buy too much “extra” stuff right now.
I know it works differently in different families, but what we do works for us!
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